ALLOD Entertainment Correspondelator Tara Newhole says the reports may be exaggerated: “Garth and his wife own a 300-acre paradise just outside the city. It seems unlikely that they’d leave over some stories about Garth losing everything.”
Newhole says that in reality, the couple is worth nearly half a billion dollars and couldn’t possibly care less what a bunch of geriatric potatoes think about them. “They get their news from liberal trolls,” said Newhole, “They share the dumb story, click through to the website, scan for three keywords that confirm their bias, and skip away to a shiny ad based on their Google search preferences.”
AARP has repeatedly warned the taters that nearly everything they believe about social issues comes from satire sites that are openly mocking them, but they don’t seem to mind. “I hope and pray that it’s all true,” said Shirley from Pahrump, “And that’s all that matters to me. God Bless America.”